Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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