I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
