I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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