So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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