I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
