Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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