I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Can you bring me the toilet please
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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