I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
