cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
my poor anus
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
