I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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