ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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