I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
