I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
