party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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