yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
