i just had sex bonerless
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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