Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
