Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
