all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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