If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
