i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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