I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
