hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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