how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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