Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
