onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize