I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
