my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
