lets start a swedish sibling band together
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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