So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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