So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
