So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
