The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
