There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
