when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
