I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
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before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
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This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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