Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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