I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
