So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
