I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
