Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
