I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
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3pm strippers are depressing
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
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Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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