There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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