how do flat chested girls get laid?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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