I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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