Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
