My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
