im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
This toilet bowl is my home.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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