sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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