grandma shit on top of the toilet
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
