so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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