life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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