Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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