How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
