oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
