When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
