OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
