EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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